Losing My Mind

   Oh good Lord, is it really Monday again? Yep. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Well, I mean I feel a little better today- or at least for right now but who knows how long that will last? It's always different when you have Bipolar Disorder (and of course it's different depending on what type of Bipolar you have). Lately I feel like my emotional state has spiraled out of control. And that can happen when you have Bipolar. I have been feeling really low and I can't remember the last time I felt this low- maybe 2 or 3 years ago, possibly, I don't know. Between my anxiety making me so on edge, my depression pulling me down deep below, and my mind going so crazy that I feel like I literally can't even think a single thought... it's exhausting.

   I'm not sure why this is happening right now but that's what happens. Shit happens. Bipolar episodes can creep up on you at any moment in your life. I have been stressed out of my mind, so I know that is definitely contributing to it (and of course I had to be on my period last week while I was falling into this dark hole). And I have been having quite a bit of anxiety attacks and my medications just don't feel like they are helping at all. I think another contributing factor is that my Doctors have been switching around my medications. Taking me off of some, putting me on others, switching my doses, putting me back on some and yada yada yada. Changing someone's medications can most definitely have a negative effect on that person. But at the same time, they are trying to find something that will work, so I kind of just have to deal with it.

   What's even worse is that during all of this, the person I needed the most for support and to be there for me, ran away (not like literally). It really is a shame (and this person has known about my Bipolar for a hell of a long time) but if someone can't handle you at your worst (especially when it is something you can't control), then they don't deserve you at your best.

   I saw these three posts while scrolling on Facebook last night.
This is what happens to me and right now it is to the extreme.


I'm trying to have faith and although it is hard, I know this will all pass soon and my life will get back on track.

And then I had one of my goofy weird moments last night. Sometimes I play with my hair and do stupid silly things with it. I decided to do a backwards "french braid" (the french part is at the top and you can't really see it but I don't do french braids correctly anyways). I felt like I had an elephant trunk ha ha ha.

   By the way, I just heard Taylor Swift's new song, Bad Blood, with Kendrick Lamar. I love it! What do you all think about it?

-Heather

Comments

  1. Aww I hope you start to feel better soon, I can't imagine what it is like to live with bipolar but I'm sending positive thoughts your way!
    -Alex
    www.monstermisa.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks girl! I seem to be feeling more calm and relaxed today. I still am having trouble with thinking clearly but I'm pretty sure that's because my brain is overly exhausted.

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  2. I hope you get better soon! I know someone with bipolar and I have anxiety. It's not easy. It's not something that's controllable, your brain is just wired a little differently. I truly hope you see better days soon!

    www.jerseygirltexanheart.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Monica! I think I'm finally back on track with getting my emotional state under control (*knock on wood*).

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